AMSTERDAM - Oud-Kamerlid Mohamed Rabbae doet maandag aangifte tegen Geert Wilders wegens de film Fitna. Hij doet dat als voorzitter van het Landelijk Beraad Marokkanen, liet hij weten.

,,Ik heb de aangifte zondag met advocaat Haroon Raza opgesteld en die gaat hem vandaag indienen bij het Openbaar Ministerie in Rotterdam'', zei Rabbae. Hij wil dat de PVV-voorman wordt vervolgd omdat de politicus naar zijn mening met de film oproept tot haat tegen moslims.

Dat is dan ook de belangrijkste reden dat de voorzitter heeft besloten aangifte te doen. ,,Aan het eind van zijn film presenteert hij de islam en moslims eigenlijk als gevaar voor de westerse beschaving en worden moslims in Nederland voorgesteld als een bedreiging van de Nederlandse beschaving. Met die uitspraken probeert Wilders moslims en de rest van de samenleving te laten botsen en op die manier steun te krijgen voor zijn politieke programma.''

Rabbae vindt verder dat de PVV-leider niet mag wegkomen met het volgens hem schenden van het auteursrecht van een aantal kranten en een afbeelding van de Deense cartoonist Westergaard. Ook maakt hij in de aangifte melding van het onrechtmatig gebruik van de foto van rapper Salah Edin, die Mohammed B. de moordenaar van Theo van Gogh moet voorstellen. Verder wil Rabbae dat justitie Wilders vervolgt voor het volgens hem bewust verkeerd vertalen van de Koran.

De PVV-voorman heeft inmiddels al laten weten dat hij de film aanpast om juridische procedures te voorkomen. Zo zal hij onder meer de foto van de rapper vervangen voor een afbeelding van de echte Mohammed B. en verwijdert hij de omstreden tekening van cartoonist Westergaard.

He is described as a 24/7 politician with no time for other interests

The Dutch MP has upset the Muslim world before, by calling for a ban on the Koran and likening it to Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf.

Nicknamed "Mozart" because of his mane of platinum blond hair, he was voted politician of the year in 2007 by the Dutch political press, partly because of his "well-timed one-liners".

But his opponents see him as a provocateur and a disillusioned colleague describes him as "the most stubborn man I've ever met".

His stance has created problems for the Dutch government, which fears a re-run of the cartoon furore in the Muslim world. Foreign Minister Maxime Verhagen has complained of the danger to Dutch companies, soldiers and residents abroad.

When asked about the impact of his film, Mr Wilders told a TV interviewer: "It's not the aim of the movie but people might be offended, I know that. So, what the hell? It's their problem, not my problem".

Catholic upbringing

Born in the Limburg town of Venlo in 1963, Geert Wilders came from a Catholic background and went to a Catholic secondary school.

Mr Wilders is a very gifted and talented politician... the problem was and is that he is a monomaniac... it's He, Himself, Him Bart Jan Spruyt TV presenter and former political colleague

He is no longer religious and once told a friend he knew little about Easter, despite regularly speaking out on the Netherlands' Judaeo-Christian heritage.

The son of a printing company director, his own career began in social and health insurance. It was socio-economic policy that brought him into politics, as a speech-writer for the liberal VVD party.

The VVD was also home to ethnic Somali politician Ayaan Hirsi Ali, whose views on Islam have often been compared with those of Mr Wilders.

He was elected as city councillor in Utrecht in 1997 and MP the following year.

Because of his party's support for Turkish entry into the European Union, he left the liberals in 2002 and struck out on his own.

He has prompted comparisons with Pim Fortuyn, the maverick political leader who famously described Islam as a backward religion. Fortuyn was murdered by an animal rights activist in 2002, shortly before an election.

But it was in November 2004 that Mr Wilders' career dramatically changed with the murder of film-maker Theo van Gogh by a radical Islamist, Mohammed Bouyeri.

See Geert Wilders, BBC Hardtalk, March 2006

Although he had no involvement in the film, Mr Wilders was now to have a permanent bodyguard, in common with Ms Hirsi Ali, because of their outspoken views on Islam.

He set up his Freedom Party (PVV), later attracting widespread political support for his call for a ban on the burqa - which covers most of the body - even though the measure would have affected only around 50 women.

Mr Wilders' greatest success was in picking up nine seats in the Dutch parliament in 2006 elections, and securing 20% of the vote in his home town of Venlo.

But he has never achieved the same high ratings in the opinion polls as the late Pim Fortuyn.

And lawyer Gerard Spong, a friend of Fortuyn's, argues Mr Wilders is very different.

"Geert Wilders... incites hatred against Muslims, and Pim did not do that: he had sex with Moroccan boys in dark rooms," he told Dutch television.

Mr Wilders is adamant that he is not a racist. "We have to learn and defend who were are," he says.

He is married to a Hungarian woman he met at the Hungarian embassy in The Hague.

Media-savvy

Dutch conservative TV presenter Bart Jan Spruyt got to know him when he set up the Freedom Party, becoming his speech-writer and freelance adviser.

I believe we have been too tolerant of the intolerant Geert Wilders BBC interview 2006

"Mr Wilders is a very gifted and talented politician. All TV programmes are about his movie: he knows how to play with the media, how to dominate the public debate. The problem was and is that he is a monomaniac, but not in a pejorative sense."

In other words, he is a politician 24/7. Bart Jan Spruyt says you cannot talk to Geert Wilders about novels or music because politics is his life and he is also unwilling to co-operate with others. "It's He, Himself, Him," he says.

And he can understand why. The presenter remembers walking with Mr Wilders surrounded by six bodyguards to the MP's room, which he likened to a furnished cell at a suburban bank.

Opponents say he is fuelling hate against Muslims

But Mr Wilders' politics were not always about Islam. In 2005, he was one of the leading campaigners for a Dutch No vote against the European Constitution, arguing that it limited national sovereignty.

In March 2006, Mr Wilders told the BBC that he thought that 5-15% of Dutch Muslims were sympathetic to radical Islam.

"I believe we have been too tolerant of the intolerant. We should learn to become intolerant of the intolerant," he said.

"People like Mohammed Bouyeri who killed Theo van Gogh, they should be arrested under administrative detention for the safety of Dutch families." He has seen administrative detention without trial used in Israel, which he has visited on many occasions.

The Dutch Muslim community has reacted to Mr Wilders in different ways, according to National Moroccan Council Chairman Mohamed Rabbae.

He says there are those who think he is a friend of Israel and the Israeli embassy. Some see him more as an opportunist promoting fear and hate, while a minority does not see him as an enemy at all.

"He's a little bit crazy because he's giving the impression to some people that he's going to combat Islam," says Mr Rabbae.

"He's a kind of Don Quixote, fighting against things and presenting goals which will never happen."

Like Mr Spruyt, Mohamed Rabbae believes Mr Wilders may have become isolated by the limitations imposed by living with bodyguards.

The controversy has parallels with the row over the Danish cartoons satirising the Prophet Muhammad. Danish PM Anders Fogh Rasmussen was quick to criticise Mr Wilders when the Dutch MP went on Danish TV to praise the prime minister's stance on freedom of expression.

The couple acted a guarantors for their daughter

The letting agent involved is claiming that because the girl's parents acted as guarantors on the lease, they are liable for the debt.

Sinn Féin's Mickey Brady said the agent's demand was "very unfair".

Mr Brady said the Bessbrook family had received demands for rent owed since her death and threats of legal action.

"The agent is quite clearly arguing that the young girl, because of her sudden death in January, has breached the lease agreement and is demanding that the rent be paid in full," he said.

"This is another example of ruthlessness of the worse kind, and a fixation on ensuring that the money owed will be obtained even if it has to override a family's grief.

"This family is still traumatised by the sudden death of their precious daughter and now they have to cope with the added pressure and fears of debt collectors and court cases.

"In all my years in dealing with agencies and officials, I have never come across such a totally unsympathetic attitude."

Sunday Night's loss has confirmed that the Coors Belfast Giants will be taking on the Newcastle Vipers in the First Round of the Elite League Playoff Championships. The two rivals will play on Saturday, March 29th in Dundalk and then the next night in Newcastle with the aggregate winner advancing to the Final Four in Nottingham on April 5th and 6th.

After a weekend of Elite League action, all but one of the first round playoff series have been confirmed and are as follows:

Sheffield v Manchester
Nottingham v Cardiff
Belfast v Newcastle

The only question remaining is which team the League Winning Coventry Blaze will be facing in their opening round of the Playoffs. The eighth and final playoff spot is still up for grabs between either the Edinburgh Capitals or the Basingstoke Bison.

The Capitals face the Sheffield Steelers next Saturday, while the Bison have a busy week starting with the second leg of their Knock Out Cup Final against the Blaze on Tuesday in Coventry. Then they take on the Giants in Dundalk on Thursday Night before returning home for another clash against the Blaze on Saturday Night, their third game in 7 days against Coventry.

Sunday night, the Bison will travel to Edinburgh for their fifth match in eight days, and it looks like that game will be the decider for the final playoff spot. The Bison have a game in hand on the Capitals right now, but with a tough week of games, including a Cup Final, a trip to Belfast and another to Edinburgh, it could be the Capitals that have the advantage going into this one.

The 6 game regular season series between the playoff matchups went like this:

Sheffield 4 (wins) - Manchester 2 (wins)
Nottingham 4 - Cardiff 2
Belfast 4 - Newcastle 2

Coventry 4 - Basingstoke 1 (1 game remaining)
Coventry 4 - Edinburgh 2 Tickets for the Giants match up on Thursday in Dundalk against the Bison are still available from the Giants Office this week. Buses to Dundalk can be booked through the Giants office as well. Call 028 9059 1111

The lamb's leg was one of several missiles thrown

The leg was one of several missiles thrown after a match between Ballymena United and Distillery on Saturday.

A USPCA spokesman said it "demonstrated general disregard for animal welfare".

"It also follows a recent incident in which a horse's head was left outside the home of a hockey player in Cookstown," he added.

Irish Football Association chief executive Howard Wells said there would be a "full investigation" into the trouble at Ballymena Showgrounds.

The referee needed a police escort off the field, while the two managers had to be kept apart.

Players were also involved in jostling after the whistle was blown on a 2-2 draw.

In addition to the lamb's leg, a chair and at least one bottle were thrown onto the pitch.

Eddie Patterson says his side still have a title chance

The Reds now trail leaders Linfield by five points and Glentoran by two with four sets of fixtures remaining.

"I still think there's plenty to play for and we are still in there fighting.

"The one thing we can't do is to create the chances we are making and not take them. We have had enough chances to win both the games we have lost this week."

Patterson added that it was "back to the drawing board" after the disappointing reverse at Newry, coming hot on the heels of Saturday's 2-1 defeat by Coleraine at Solitude.

"If other people want to say that our challenge is over, that is up to them, but we are not counting ourselves out just yet. "All the teams at the top have some difficult matches ahead, not just Cliftonville, and if we continue to create the chances, some of them have to go in."

Eddie Patterson sees his team's title chances slipping away

Paddy McLaughlin headed the winner and the Reds are now five points behind Linfield with only four games left.

After a scoreless first half, Francis Murphy and George McMullan were denied by Robert Robinson after half-time.

McLaughlin nodded a Richard Clarke free-kick to the net on 61 minutes and the Reds could not force an equaliser.

Cliftonville created a number of chances but they were not displaying the free-flowing football which has characterised much of their season.

Chris Scannell went close for the Reds with a curling effort on 13 minutes while John Martin then tested Newry goalkeeper Robinson.

However, Newry also looked dangerous in the first half and McLaughlin had a close-range effort blocked and Emmett Friars was unable to get any purchase on the rebound.

Robinson made fine saves to deny Murphy and McMullan after the break and Cliftonville's worst fears were then realised when McLaughlin scored at the other end.

Chris Scannell looked set to equalise only for goalscorer McLaughlin to produce a brilliant tackle and Mark Holland's follow-up was stopped by Robinson.

As Cliftonville pressed for an equaliser, Newry had chances to kill off the game late on with Francis Murphy clearing Friars' effort off the line and Chris Morgan off-target in injury-time.

Barry Holland shows his disappointment

Stephen Carson put Coleraine in front on 36 minutes after combining with Jody Tolan, his sixth goal in six games.

Francis Murphy headed wide with a free header and goalkeeper Davy O'Hare saved from Chris Scannell and John Martin.

Substitute John Watt made it 2-0 on 79 after John Connolly failed to collect but Barry Johnston fired home a left foot volley past O'Hare on 77 minutes.

The Reds piled on the pressure but were unable to find the equaliser.

44 BC - Julius Caesar, Dictator of the Roman Republic, is stabbed to death by Marcus Junius Brutus, Gaius Cassius Longinus, Decimus Junius Brutus and several other Roman senators on the Ides of March
1345 - Miracel of Amsterdam
1493 - Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after his first trip to the Americas
1776 - South Carolina became the first American colony to declare its independence from Great Britain and set up its own government
1877 - The first Test cricket match begins, between England and Australia
1903 - Beşiktaş JK, the first football club in Turkey, is founded
1906 - Rolls-Royce Ltd. is registered
1952 - In Cilaos, Réunion, 73 inches (1870 mm) of rain falls in one day, setting a new world record
1956 - The Broadway musical My Fair Lady opens in New York City
1961 - South Africa withdraws from the Commonwealth of Nations
1963 - Victor Feguer, a Federal prisoner, is put to death at the Fort Madison, Iowa prison. This is the last execution of a Federal prisoner until the execution of Timothy McVeigh in 2001
1972 - The film version of Mario Puzo's The Godfather novel of the same name, is released in theaters
1985 - The first Internet domain name is registered (symbolics.com)
1988 - Publication of Marvin Minsky's Society of Mind theory
1988 - The Halabja poison gas attack of the Iran-Iraq War begins
1991 - Germany formally regains complete independence after the four post-World War II occupying powers (France, the United Kingdom, the United States and the Soviet Union) relinquish all remaining rights
1996 - Airplane builder Fokker is bankrupted
2003 - The World Health Organization issues warnings about an atypical pneumonia of unknown cause, dubbed severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS). It was first found in Asia and appears to have originated in Hong Kong. There are fears that unless measures are taken to control SARS, it may become epidemic
2003 - Iraq disarmament crisis: A round of protests takes place in cities across the world
2004 - Announcement of the discovery of 90377 Sedna, the farthest natural object in the Solar system so far observed
2004 - The city of Aliso Viejo, California, nearly bans foam cups when they learn they are produced from a substance known as Dihydrogen monoxide (water), a substance that could "threaten human health and safety."
2005 - U.S. Representative Henry Waxman sends a scathing letter to President George W. Bush, accusing the administration of having withheld until after the election a damaging audit regarding overcharges by Halliburton for services in Iraq (such as charging $27,000,000 for transporting $82,000 worth of fuel from Kuwait to Iraq)
2005 - Japanese immigration officials state that they are going to deport Bobby Fischer back to USA, instead of allowing him to move to Iceland
2005 - In Italy, cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, Roman catholic archbishop of Genoa, speaks against what he describes as "lies" in the popular book "The Da Vinci Code"; the book effectively claims that, among other things, the church suppresses information about Jesus' marriage with Mary Magdalene
2006 - The U.S. online magazine salon.com publishes the most extensive documentation of the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse
2007 - Production ceased on the passenger version of the Boeing 747-400
2007 - Researchers discover that the polar ice cap at Planum Australe, the south pole of Mars, is thick enough to cover the planet with water if melted

Birthdays on 15 March
Eduard Strauss (1835), Louis Paul Boon (1912), Lex Goudsmit (1913), Phil Lesh (1940), Mike Love (1941), Bobby Bonds (1946), Howard E. Scott (1946), Ry Cooder (1947), Dee Snider (1955), David Silverman (1957), Chris Sanders (1960), Sananda Maitreya (1962), Bret Michaels (1963), Mervyn King (1966), Jon Schaffer (1968), Timo Kotipelto (1969), Carla Zijlstra (1969), Derek Parra (1970), Mark Hoppus (1972), Eva Longoria (1975), Veselin Topalov (1975), Joe Hahn (1977), Sid Wilson (1978)

15 March is also International Day Against Police Brutality

Travelers who turn right at Great Britain come to a soggy, wet bit of planet called "Holland", "the Netherlands" or "Shouldn't we have turned left?".

This FAQ will, in the words of its author, "inform you on how to treat the Dutch, how to avoid becoming one, the do's, dont's and the "Oh my God, can they really do that's" that you are likely to encounter in this strangest of places known to man".

HTTTD has been around for years, different versions can be found in Usenet news groups and various websites, eventually it even had its own website. Once upon a time, we may have sent a lot of traffic to that website, which may have overloaded that server. As a result, the site was discontinued. To make amends, we're very pleased to provide a permanent home for the prodigal FAQ here.

Mr De Groot has kindly revived the original site and the complete site can be found here. But please, don't go there, you might overload the server!

Warning from P. de Groot: Mistakes in the correct use of the English language are not my fault. You just did not read correctly. And by the way, how is your writing in Dutch, eh?

1. Why can´t I use the word "Dutch" when I am in Holland?

The word "Dutch" reminds a Hollander of the word "Duits" which is a word for Germans and other things he doesn´t like.

2. Which Du... Hollandse words should I learn before coming to Holland?

None. Never try to speak Hollandse, not even if you have lived in Holland for more than five years. Not only will it give you a splitting headache but also no Hollander will have any idea what you are trying to say. Foreigners are expected to speak English or gibberish. Speaking gibberish, they are an easy prey for pickpockets because they can´t make a decent report to the police. Every Hollander speaks English. Upon occasion, you will overhear people using words which sound like Hollands but actually make some sense to you. These people will be British or German tourists.

3. What is "drop"?

Drop is a kind of liquorice that only Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour: black. The taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax. Hollanders absolutely love it and eat kilos of the vile stuff. There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners who are tricked into believing it is edible.

4. Where can I buy those cute wooden shoes?

 Just about everywhere but please don´t, they´ll look absolutely silly on you. Which is of course the main reason for selling them to you in the first place. A Hollander himself wouldn't want to be found dead in them.

5. Shall I be safe behind the dikes.

Yes, we haven´t had a major flood in ...oh, two weeks. No honest, you´ll be quite safe. A word of caution: Do not try to make holes in dikes. Behaviour like that is not only frowned upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with wooden shoes by an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a finger in any dike you like. It'll get you a few good laughs from the natives.

6. I can´t seem to reason with any of the Hollanders, why is that?

A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in the back of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them. If ever you get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways. This will drive him absolutely crazy: Since you are a foreigner you can't be right. You agree with him. Therefore he also cannot be right. Impossible! He is a Hollander. But... why... he... At this point you may want to stand back and watch him try to strangle himself with a tulip.

7. Do I have to show an interest in tulips, windmills wooden shoes or cheese?

No that is not necessary. Every Hollander knows that you came for the softdrugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both are available in a large quantity and are easy to find. Ask any Hollander age six or older. I´d like to point out that the windmills and wooden shoes prove a desire for, or dependency on, tourism. Natives in Holland put up with tourists, even welcome tourists, but do not *need* tourists and will explain this at length.

8. Do you have any tips for visiting a Hollandse soccer game?

Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is merely an excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about everyone else, including yours, after the game is won...or lost...or if it is a draw. It is also very unwise to stand near a policeman during these festivities.

 9. Are the Hollandse police any good?

The police play an important role in the Hollandse social life because they are used for throwing things at. If you feel like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No Hollander will pay any attention if you decide to hit or even maim a policeman or kick him hard in the groin. Policemen represent authority and no Hollander recognizes any authority higher than himself. You may also notice that a lot of Hollandse policemen are in fact foreigners tricked into taking the job.

10. Is it true that Hollanders don´t like to spend money?

Definitely! They'd sooner cut off their own ear than spend an extra cent. A Hollander will become a friend for life if you give him something for free. (Note: Social diseases are an exception) The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.

11. Aren´t Hollanders bothered by the small size of their country?

Oh no, not at all. Indeed, Holland is very small. There is even a rumour that Holland is put inside during rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because it rains about 365 days each year. (This might also explain those wooden shoes: They float.) Hollanders are proud of their country. They will grab every opportunity to point out to you that the nation has accomplished great things, despite of it being so small.

12. How do I insult a Hollander?

If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or later you will- simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist. Now immediately start running for your life! He'll want to prove to you that he is a peace loving person and he won't stop proving this until your intestines are scattered all over the floor.

13. Are Hollanders really tolerant?

No, they are not. They simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and hard-drugs, Malaysian women, weapons and pornography to foreigners to let a good opportunity for making huge profits go by.

14. How is the public transportation in Holland?

Because of its small size, the main form of public transportation in Holland is a bike. Feel free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock. (An art learned by Hollandse children before the age of 3) However, don't expect your own bike to be where you left it three minutes earlier. The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Have fun.

15. What is this small vicious looking blade I find at every meal?

It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is used for taking very thin (the see-through kind) slices of the cheese. Yes, it is indeed an invention made by a Hollander. Never try to cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself.

16. What is this "poldermodel" I keep hearing about?

At the time of this writing, the Hollandse economy is doing quite well. The Hollanders say that this is the result of extensive negotiating between parties like the unions, the employers and the government. They even have a name for this: The poldermodel. Foreigners are made to believe that this poldermodel is the key to a healthy economy and if others should follow this poldermodel, their economy's will also improve dramatically. This is of course utter nonsense. The Hollandse economy is completely dependent on the German economy. You can immediately see the problem, no Hollander will ever admit to this. So we have invented a Hollandse reason for our wealth.

17. What is a "patatje met"?

Hollanders like to drown fried potato's in litres of mayonnaise and put it in small paper bags. This is called "een patatje met". The best "patatje met" can be bought in Rotterdam at Bram Ladage. (Tell them I sent you) One of these bags can sustain life over an indefinite period. Not everyone agrees if it is the sort of life worth living. Some foreigners however are reported to have actually liked eating it.

18. What is with these coffee shops I seem to come across in every street?

O dear.. There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of yourself in Holland: Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino. Coffee shops do not -remember this- do not sell coffee. You can however get a good number of other stimulating things there.

19. What is a "Fries"?

A Fries (pronounced FREECE) is a semi-detached sort of Hollander, living in the north of the country in a province all for himself. He is fond of frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of euthanasia with alcohol) and continuously pointing out to non-Fries Hollanders that they are -indeed- not Fries. The rest of the Hollanders look upon this behaviour with the good natured ambivalent feelings that parents have for an obstinate child.

20. What books should I read about Holland?

None, this FAQ is more than enough. However I can recommend you take these books with you if you come to Holland: The complete works of William Shakespeare or a leather-bound volume of the Encyclopaedia Britannica (the 1913 copy: Fr to He). In my experience these two books have just about the right weight for clubbing a pushy drug dealer or pimp on the head without leaving any lasting scars. After hitting you may want to drop the book you were carrying at the moment for a more speedy retreat. Bring plenty of books.

21. Where can I hire a car?

Do not bother to hire one. Not only can you steal more bikes than you will need but car-traffic in Holland is not something you will enjoy. In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in miles or kilometres, Hollandse traffic jams are measured in weeks. As a matter of fact, the more persistent traffic-jams are well worth a touristic visit. The sight of starving people in an expensive Mercedes can be quite uplifting if you are of a philosophic nature. You may want to bring some pieces of bread with you to throw through open car windows. The resulting fights are often worth watching.

22. I´d like to take my mother-in-law to Holland, can I?

Well...yes of course, but why would .. Ah, I see! Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your mother-in-law to Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia. Hollandse euthanasia laws may be the most liberal on earth but tourists are warned not to take these matters into their own hands.

23. Please?

No!

24. Why are there so many churches in Holland?

Whether you are Catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl, god of all honest politicians, in Holland you are likely to run into a church, temple or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking. Hollanders are supposed to be very tolerant of other believes, ways of life and religious convictions. They are not. The only reason for there being so many different churches, sects and cults is the fact that Hollanders disagree on just about anything. A Hollander is always right (see item 6) and anyone who thinks different than him can jolly well bugger off and start his own church.

25. So, is Holland a republic or a monarchy?

Holland is a kingdom. (There is a difference here) It has no king but a queen and her husband is no king but a prince. The queen doesn't rule the country --- well, not much anyway --- but she is very good at opening bridges, roads and visiting other countries. She is also very decorative at state banquets. Her son, the crown prince, will be king as soon as she stops queening. The queens husband was not a king but a prince but the crown prince´s wife will be a queen as soon as he is a king. On April the 30th it's Queen's Day, which is not the birthday of the queen, but the birthday of princess Juliana, the queen's mother (who used to be the queen). Confused? Well, so are we.

26. How come there are so many famous Hollandse painters?

Most Hollandse painters get to be famous only after they have died. That is a very sensible arrangement from the publics point of view. Not only do you get large quantities of paintings -a man has got to eat, right?- but it also makes a nice investment for art-lovers. The painters themselves do not share this view at all but are unable to do anything about it. In at least one case the frustration has led to self-mutilation involving an ear.

27. Is the Hollandse healthcare any good?

Do not get sick in Holland. Over the last ten years, the famous Hollandse healthcare has been privatised. These days some operations, like open heart surgery, have a waiting list of more than six months. The doctors don't think that is a problem because, they say, half of the patient never even bother to show up after six months. Some Hollandse patients who have become desperate, move to a country like Mozambique, Iraq or Pakistan where healthcare is infinitely better and waiting lists much shorter.

 28. Is it O.K. to drink Hollandse tapwater?

Yes, Hollandse tapwater is completely safe to drink. This is quite remarkable considering that most drinking water comes from polluted rivers like the Rhine. Plans to improve the quality of the river water, so that fish like salmon will return to Hollandse rivers to spawn, can count on strong resistance from the Nederlanders. They don't like the idea of animals having sex in their drinking water.

29. Should I worry about high crime-rates in Holland?

No problems there, Holland has a very low crime index. The reason for this is not that Hollanders are not as criminal as others but in Holland fewer things are considered a crime. This not only generates interesting new forms of income but it also saves on the workload of the police and our justice department. The only crime that is severely punished is speeding in your car. Exceeding the speed limit with only a few kilometres per hour is good for a considerable speeding ticket.

30. Do Hollanders have nationalistic feelings?

Some do. They will point out to you that Holland has finished second in almost every war it has fought. Further more, the Hollandse national football team has won more medals for runner-up than any other nation. Even if Hollanders failed to win more Olympic Gold Medals than any other nation, they at least have the satisfaction of knowing they supplied the drugs to the countries who did. Which is enough to make one proud to be a Hollander.